CD 3 (cycle day 3)

(Is it really February already?)

Per a dear older friend's suggestion that he wrote in a comment on our Kite Family blog, I sat down last night and had a good talk (prayer) with God. I was honest and told Him how disappointed and hurt I am about the miscarriage, and to please bless us with a baby. I also asked Him to help me find peace and more calmness and a less obsessive nature about all this fertility stuff. I know that many women face a similar obsession and I suppose it's a cycle we all need to experience before we come back down to a "plateau." So, now I have some goals of other things I want to focus on to get my mind off this subject some more.

I do feel somewhat "teased" about becoming a mother since the miscarriage happened. I thought everything was going great last June-July and then I was told that my baby stopped developing and I needed to have it scraped out of me. (D&C = "dilation & curettage") What????? I wanted to scream, "NO but I don't have cramps or bleeding, I'm still PREGNANT!!! WHY couldn’t this have happened earlier? Not 10 weeks along!" (I knew I was pregnant for 6 weeks and got attached quickly.) It was so hard to swallow and to understand, as I was totally uneducated and unprepared for that possibility.

Yet I have most definitely learned from it and now I am so grateful I have been able to conceive. It is such a mix of emotions. Even with the statistics and odds in my favor, I can't help but wonder: can I really have a baby of my own? I remain very hopeful and optimistic; however, no reassurance or medical article or statistic can truly allow me to believe 100% that I will, without a doubt, share my body with another and provide her or him the gift of life.