The Due Date

This week was our "due week" of our angel we lost in July. The actual original due date was 2/11/07 (this Sunday). It's surreal to imagine that we could be home with our tiny one already, or anxiously awaiting her arrival. I have heard that the anniversary of the miscarriage ends up being more difficult to face than the actual due date, which I think may be the case for me as well. I have prayed that God will bless us with a baby in His proper timing. Unfortunately the weeks surrounding February 11 just wasn't that time. I so wanted to be pregnant again before this date to help ease or erase any added anxiety of losing the baby, but I recognize that it wasn't necessary. God has protected us and our emotions, and the life of our unborn child who most likely would not have had a healthy or favorable quality of life had it lived even a short time.

CD 10 (cycle day 10)

It's always a new sort of "rush" when I start to see the fern shapes on the scopy (ovulation microscope). There were just barely a few, on the very edge of the slide, but they were there! I should probably mark "none" for "no ferning," but it's a little more exciting to indicate "partial ferning" or "PF" on the chart. ;-) However, I know I tend to ovulate later in the cycle than earlier, so I'm not expecting full "ferning" (i.e., fertile time!) for at least a week. But we shall see!

My average ovulation day right now is on cycle day 18.

CD 7 (cycle day 7)

Oh yes, and another change--I got (borrowed) a BBT thermometer--a "basal body temperature" thermometer. Supposedly they are more accurate than another digital thermometer, but who knows. I wouldn't bother with "temping" except I want to be able to tell a doc when I ovulated, and it makes it easier to determine gestation early on. (Having your alarm go off every day to take your temperature is no fun!)

CD 6 (cycle day 6)

I've done some research and decided to change just a few things this cycle:

• Take the herb evening primrose oil through the day of ovulation (it can possibly cause contractions so you shouldn't take after ovulation). EPO helps PMS symptoms and also our fertile "egg white cervical mucus."
• Take vitamin B6. It possibly regulates hormones in a cycle and does something to help our metabolism work more efficiently.
• Start my prenatal vitamins earlier (today).
• "Baby dance" every other day instead of every day around ovulation. ;-)
• Remember that no matter what changes I make, it's still basically up to God and His plan for us. Thanks be to God!
  

CD 3 (cycle day 3)

(Is it really February already?)

Per a dear older friend's suggestion that he wrote in a comment on our Kite Family blog, I sat down last night and had a good talk (prayer) with God. I was honest and told Him how disappointed and hurt I am about the miscarriage, and to please bless us with a baby. I also asked Him to help me find peace and more calmness and a less obsessive nature about all this fertility stuff. I know that many women face a similar obsession and I suppose it's a cycle we all need to experience before we come back down to a "plateau." So, now I have some goals of other things I want to focus on to get my mind off this subject some more.

I do feel somewhat "teased" about becoming a mother since the miscarriage happened. I thought everything was going great last June-July and then I was told that my baby stopped developing and I needed to have it scraped out of me. (D&C = "dilation & curettage") What????? I wanted to scream, "NO but I don't have cramps or bleeding, I'm still PREGNANT!!! WHY couldn’t this have happened earlier? Not 10 weeks along!" (I knew I was pregnant for 6 weeks and got attached quickly.) It was so hard to swallow and to understand, as I was totally uneducated and unprepared for that possibility.

Yet I have most definitely learned from it and now I am so grateful I have been able to conceive. It is such a mix of emotions. Even with the statistics and odds in my favor, I can't help but wonder: can I really have a baby of my own? I remain very hopeful and optimistic; however, no reassurance or medical article or statistic can truly allow me to believe 100% that I will, without a doubt, share my body with another and provide her or him the gift of life.