10 DPO (10d past ovulation)

Not feeling very hopeful for that BFP (big fat positive)... But I also think that that's when it happens--when we are least expecting it. My breasts are sore and today I started spotting. Both are good signs of pregnancy or menses. My PMS this cycle was much worse than in the past. I haven't felt it so extreme since before the pill. I stopped it over a year ago! Also I have not noticed breast tenderness before menses since before going on the pill. So if menses appears, I am hopeful that my hormones are finally "regulating" and are getting back to my "normal" range, whatever that may be. It could be the B6 and evening primrose oil that I started this cycle, or just plain my body doing its womanly thing it needs to do.

If menses doesn't show up by Thursday, I'm testing that morning!

7 DPO (7d past ovulation)

Ugh so another learning curve in the journey to motherhood. On one of my online groups (that I had actually considered leaving), I learned that the man should not sit in a hot tub (knew that one) OR a hot bath while trying to get conceive (ttc)! Just 10 minutes in a hot bath can kill sperm for 90 days!!!! They are constantly being reproduced but it takes that long for the swimmers to mature! DUH! I can't believe I never thought of this. Well, I can. I guess I assumed they reproduce in a few days and you're fine again. J loves his hot baths... *sigh* Oh well at least we know now! It's frustrating but a relief in a way if that's really been our problem all along since it's easily reversible. I'm glad I didn't leave that group! The woman who told me said her husband's urologist is insistent that they should be able to get pregnant soon after 90 days from the time he stopped his hot baths! So if that's true for us, too, that puts us at conceiving after May 23. Maybe it's a sign--we conceived in May of 2006 the first time!

Our other problem that we discovered a few months back was using lubrication. Little did we know it kills the swimmers before they ever reach my cervix! That should be a warning on the tube! But then it would be used as a contraceptive and they would get sued by somebody who got pregnant by accident. So, we stopped using that right away.

The hot bath thing just makes me wonder again about the miscarriage... maybe, just maybe, a sperm that wasn't fully matured was somehow able to fertilize the egg, which caused a genetic abnormality (very common cause of miscarriages).

I am feeling no different than in past months at this time in the cycle... Not feeling very hopeful for a BFP (big fat positive) this month. If menses doesn't show and temperature stays up, I plan to test on March 1.

5 DPO - 3 Steps Back!

OK so Fertility Friend has changed my ovulation date grrrr! This is so frustrating! And it still has dashed crosshairs meaning another fertility sign (microscope ferning) is conflicting with my temperature rise (again) indicating ovulation on CD (cycle day) 18 instead of 15! Ugh! So I am pushing back my test date to March 1 if my menses doesn't appear. That is the end of my assumed average luteal phase length of 13 days... So, in line with the ttc journey--more waiting!

Thinking positive++++++++++++++ thoughts!

7 DPO (7d past ovulation) - I Want to Become A Mother Because

Thinking positive++++++++++ thoughts! ;-)

(See entry 2.19.07) I want to become a mother because...

• I feel deep down that I still have tons and tons of hugs and love to give to a child of my own.
• I would be so grateful to allow the presence of my own flesh share my body with me to grow healthy and strong.
• Did I mention I have a lot of love to give?
• I have prayed and asked God to bless us with a baby of our own to hold. I do feel He wants this for us too, at the right time.
• Our house is too big for two!
• Children are such joys!
• Raising me and my brother have been my mother's proudest accomplishments. I want to follow in those steps.
  

6 DPO (6 days past ovulation)

Given that my menses stays away long enough, I plan to start testing at 14 or 15 DPO. I believe that's next Wednesday already! I pray this week(+) will go quickly!

I loved this passage from a fellow TTC group member to another member (edited for quick typing grammar mistakes):

One thing I know for sure is that we create a lot that is going on in our lives. God just allows us to create, and whenever we ask for help, it is truly provided. We have a responsibility to our own lives and if we want to have babies, we can have babies! A lot of times, our bodies are talking to us and we aren't listening. Here are some statements for you to write in your journal I got when I was reading this article on actually being ready to walk the path of motherhood and checking in with your soul on motherhood:

• I want to become a mother because...
  
• I'm not sure whether I want to become a mother because...
  
• If I don't try to get pregnant now, then what? What are your concerns and fears? If you were not to enter the path of motherhood now at this time, what would that be like?
  
• What are the best and worst things about entering motherhood now? What are the easiest and hardest things? How might this impact your relationship with yourself? With your partner? With your career? When you think about entering into a relationship with another, new being, how does it make you feel? What excites you about it? What scares you?

I love these questions because I was able to be in the moment of being a mother. Just in that moment, I was able to see my life changed and my everyday chores being different. So wonderful to feel this experience and know that all things are possible.

I say all of this to say, please let go of the envy, resentment, doubt, and all that "stuff" and be happy for those around you that have what you want because they are a mirror for you to see that you too have these things. (OK, it's easy for me to say this... trust me... I'm dealing with it too!)

I plan to address these questions in this blog in the days to come...

CD 18 - 3 DPO! (cycle day 18 - 3 days past ovulation)

Wahoo! FertilityFriend confirmed ovulation on CD 15 (Tuesday), but the crosshairs on my chart are dashed, i.e., "a dashed crosshair means that your fertility signs are somehow in conflict." Ugh! I wish I could just know the exact day! At least I'm relatively certain that it's happened within the last three days... If you know about charting, please take a look at my chart and send me a comment if you have any insight for me!

So, I'm officially in the 2WW (2 week wait)! YAY! (On average a woman needs to wait two weeks after ovulation before obtaining a positive pregnancy test if conception has occurred.)

CD 16 (cycle day 16)

This is so cool! I think I am feeling ovulation pain for the first time! I think maybe I've noticed before... but didn't know what it was. I think I may have thought it was bad gas. :) teehee... It's pretty exciting to recognize it. I feel it all the way on the right side of my abdomen, maybe two inches from my hip bone. I'm pretty sure my ovary is there! Here's what Cindy on one of my online groups said:

I always felt it anywhere from 3-5 days prior to O. I've also heard that you can feel O pain on the opposite side from which you're O-ing or always feel it on one side even though your ovaries are alternating O-ing each month... yet again, our bodies are so wacky, lol :) They say that some people don't feel it as well... cooky, huh?

Yes, Cindy, incredibly cooky! And an article from FertiltyFriend:

Ovulation Pain: Also known as mittelschmertz , which means "middle pain" it refers to a slight pain that you may feel near your abdomen or ovary at the time of ovulation. It does not necessarily occur at the exact time of ovulation and not everyone feels ovulation. As such, ovulation pain is useful to cross-check other signs, but cannot be used to definitively confirm or pinpoint ovulation. Also, it is very difficult to know if the pain you feel in your abdomen mid-cycle is related in any way to ovulation or your fertility. Other pains are often mistaken for ovulation pain. It is still useful to record, even if you are unsure if it is related to your fertility. As you become more in tune with your fertility signs, it will become easier to recognize ovulation pain if you experience it. Women who have never noticed ovulation pain often begin to notice it when they begin to chart their fertility signs.

also...

I felt ovulation pain before ovulation is detected on my chart. Should I change the ovulation date?

When you feel ovulation pain (not everyone does) you can feel it before, during or even just after ovulation, and many other kinds of cramps or twinges can be mistaken for it, so it is not a good indicator for pinpointing ovulation on a particular day. It provides an additional clue, like other secondary fertility signs. Ovulation pain can not be used as a primary indicator for pinpointing ovulation. It is best to look at all signs and the "big picture" when interpreting your chart.

So I really believe ovulation is around the corner! :-D

In Memoriam

Rebekah Grace (2/10/07) & Jacob Nathaniel (2/13/07)... twins that God took from our cousin at just 20 weeks along... So sweet and perfect lil' angels.

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed [a] in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
~ Ecclesiastes 11:5

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
~ Isaiah 55:8-9

CD 14 (cycle day 14)

A change to note this cycle... (TMI ahead:) I have noticed a significant improvement in the quality (and quantity) of my cervical mucus. I attribute this to the evening primrose oil. I've been taking it morning and evening, 2000 mg per day. "Fern" shapes are changing in my saliva. I think ovulation day is approaching!

CD 11 (cycle day 11) - The Due Date

This week was our "due week" of our angel we lost in July. The actual original due date was 2/11/07 (this Sunday). It's surreal to imagine that we could be home with our tiny one already, or anxiously awaiting her arrival. I have heard that the anniversary of the miscarriage ends up being more difficult to face than the actual due date, which I think may be the case for me as well. I have prayed that God will bless us with a baby in His proper timing. Unfortunately the weeks surrounding February 11 just wasn't that time. I so wanted to be pregnant again before this date to help ease or erase any added anxiety of losing the baby, but I recognize that it wasn't necessary. God has protected us and our emotions, and the life of our unborn child who most likely would not have had a healthy or favorable quality of life had it lived even a short time.

The Due Date

This week was our "due week" of our angel we lost in July. The actual original due date was 2/11/07 (this Sunday). It's surreal to imagine that we could be home with our tiny one already, or anxiously awaiting her arrival. I have heard that the anniversary of the miscarriage ends up being more difficult to face than the actual due date, which I think may be the case for me as well. I have prayed that God will bless us with a baby in His proper timing. Unfortunately the weeks surrounding February 11 just wasn't that time. I so wanted to be pregnant again before this date to help ease or erase any added anxiety of losing the baby, but I recognize that it wasn't necessary. God has protected us and our emotions, and the life of our unborn child who most likely would not have had a healthy or favorable quality of life had it lived even a short time.

CD 10 (cycle day 10)

It's always a new sort of "rush" when I start to see the fern shapes on the scopy (ovulation microscope). There were just barely a few, on the very edge of the slide, but they were there! I should probably mark "none" for "no ferning," but it's a little more exciting to indicate "partial ferning" or "PF" on the chart. ;-) However, I know I tend to ovulate later in the cycle than earlier, so I'm not expecting full "ferning" (i.e., fertile time!) for at least a week. But we shall see!

My average ovulation day right now is on cycle day 18.

CD 7 (cycle day 7)

Oh yes, and another change--I got (borrowed) a BBT thermometer--a "basal body temperature" thermometer. Supposedly they are more accurate than another digital thermometer, but who knows. I wouldn't bother with "temping" except I want to be able to tell a doc when I ovulated, and it makes it easier to determine gestation early on. (Having your alarm go off every day to take your temperature is no fun!)

CD 6 (cycle day 6)

I've done some research and decided to change just a few things this cycle:

• Take the herb evening primrose oil through the day of ovulation (it can possibly cause contractions so you shouldn't take after ovulation). EPO helps PMS symptoms and also our fertile "egg white cervical mucus."
• Take vitamin B6. It possibly regulates hormones in a cycle and does something to help our metabolism work more efficiently.
• Start my prenatal vitamins earlier (today).
• "Baby dance" every other day instead of every day around ovulation. ;-)
• Remember that no matter what changes I make, it's still basically up to God and His plan for us. Thanks be to God!
  

CD 3 (cycle day 3)

(Is it really February already?)

Per a dear older friend's suggestion that he wrote in a comment on our Kite Family blog, I sat down last night and had a good talk (prayer) with God. I was honest and told Him how disappointed and hurt I am about the miscarriage, and to please bless us with a baby. I also asked Him to help me find peace and more calmness and a less obsessive nature about all this fertility stuff. I know that many women face a similar obsession and I suppose it's a cycle we all need to experience before we come back down to a "plateau." So, now I have some goals of other things I want to focus on to get my mind off this subject some more.

I do feel somewhat "teased" about becoming a mother since the miscarriage happened. I thought everything was going great last June-July and then I was told that my baby stopped developing and I needed to have it scraped out of me. (D&C = "dilation & curettage") What????? I wanted to scream, "NO but I don't have cramps or bleeding, I'm still PREGNANT!!! WHY couldn’t this have happened earlier? Not 10 weeks along!" (I knew I was pregnant for 6 weeks and got attached quickly.) It was so hard to swallow and to understand, as I was totally uneducated and unprepared for that possibility.

Yet I have most definitely learned from it and now I am so grateful I have been able to conceive. It is such a mix of emotions. Even with the statistics and odds in my favor, I can't help but wonder: can I really have a baby of my own? I remain very hopeful and optimistic; however, no reassurance or medical article or statistic can truly allow me to believe 100% that I will, without a doubt, share my body with another and provide her or him the gift of life.