What Could've or Would've Been

Today (2/11/07), 5 years ago, was our angel baby's due week. It is so hard to imagine the possibility of having a 5-year-old right now instead of our 2 amazing gifts. God truly works in mysterious ways. I dedicate this post to our angel, and to ComfortCare Women's Health. Check out their important ministry at ifitspositive.com.

A Beautiful Tribute

This video is too touching for me not to share. You may want to grab a tissue.

Remembering The Angels

Today I remember a year ago when we lost our angel to a "missed abortion (miscarriage)" and my D&C surgery at RMH. In many ways I find it hard to believe it has already been a year. 365 days. A full 12 months. God is so good in healing and providing peace. I recognize how much I have to be thankful for. Of course, our current pregnancy and the life we pray to have the honor of bringing into the world in just a few months... But mainly today I think of the ever so kind nursing staff of RMH... The loved ones who sent a card or who approached me with a difficult conversation concerning our loss... And the friends and family with whom I will always share a bond of having lost a pre-term baby.

I also remember today all the sweet babies lost by miscarriage, still birth, and premature delivery. I imagine them all playing in Heaven together!

God's Hidden Gifts

In a recent podcast I listened about difficult times that God puts before us. A comment in the show mentioned how each struggle one faces results in a "lesson" or "gift" for us in the end if we are willing to watch and wait for it. Sometimes it is really difficult to see these lessons... especially to see them as gifts, don't you think? And sometimes they feel as though the gifts are a loooong time in coming.

I've heard of many women who say they don't ever forget the loss and will remember and memorialize the loss(es) in different ways. These women, however, once they finally have a subsequent living child, come to recognize all the pain and suffering from the miscarriage as a gift, for if they had not gone through it, they would not have the particular child they were blessed with later that they love so much.

The comments in this podcast allowed me to reflect directly on our miscarriage now that we have had significantly more time to consider and remember our loss. Here are the few lessons and gifts I can recognize so far:

• I learned (and am still learning) how to talk about my loss with other people, giving a greater voice to this type of loss that has been so silent for centuries
• I am able to be a sounding board for other women who suffer a pregnancy loss because I "get it."
• Knowledge is power. I have become empowered researching miscarriages and fertility, and interpreting and recognizing my own fertility signs.
• I've learned patience and to trust God's timing (still working on these!).
• A strengthened relationship with Jason.

And I trust God that many more are to come!

The Due Date

This week was our "due week" of our angel we lost in July. The actual original due date was 2/11/07 (this Sunday). It's surreal to imagine that we could be home with our tiny one already, or anxiously awaiting her arrival. I have heard that the anniversary of the miscarriage ends up being more difficult to face than the actual due date, which I think may be the case for me as well. I have prayed that God will bless us with a baby in His proper timing. Unfortunately the weeks surrounding February 11 just wasn't that time. I so wanted to be pregnant again before this date to help ease or erase any added anxiety of losing the baby, but I recognize that it wasn't necessary. God has protected us and our emotions, and the life of our unborn child who most likely would not have had a healthy or favorable quality of life had it lived even a short time.

Coming to Term

It occurred to me that I probably did not mention 1 of the books I read that helped me understand miscarriages better. I belong to several online support groups for women who are TTC ("cyber" for trying to conceive) after miscarriage or just plain TTC. I recommended this book to 1 of the women who has suffered 4 miscarriages and in between each one she hears about family members who are pregnant. It is so heartbreaking to hear that kind of news close to your own loss. Anyway the book offers hope whether you've had 1 or 10 losses. Think of this post if you know someone who might benefit. The book is Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage by Jon Cohen.

1 in 2... or 3 in 5 ?

Last Monday we attended a bereaved parents service hosted by the Grief & Loss Center of RMH. They are in about the 20th year of holding this event. The gentle words that were spoken about our babies and our feelings brought back the emotions like our m/c happened weeks ago instead of months. We took an ornament that read "Hope" and placed it on the tree there in memory of our baby. We did not name her but I had a feeling it was a girl. If you are at RMH and would like to see the bereaved parents' tree, it is in the Treatment Center. It was comforting in a way to be able to see faces of others who have also lost babies from miscarriage or still birth (since the support group has not been meeting). We spoke to a family who had 2 living boys with them and the mother had experienced 4 miscarriages. They attend the service every year.

Since then, I started researching more statistics about miscarriage, because I started to realize how many miscarriages seem to happen in the first pregnancy. I already knew that 1 in 5 or possibly 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. (Could be as high as 40% because many happen early, even before a positive pregnancy test, many times without the woman knowing she was pregnant.) But a startling 50%-60% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage, which includes the estimate of women who don't know they were pregnant. That number comes from http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art12024.asp. And according to HopeXchange: "approximately 90% of women who have had one miscarriage, go on to have a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby next time." Yes, this is good news!

But a lesson here: Be armed with this knowledge, but please, don't quote statistics to someone who has had a recent loss. While it's common, statistically it is most likely not common for her or the couple you know. In time they may take some comfort in their own way in the numbers. Let them ask the questions in their own time. Everyone grieves in different ways and different time frames. When it's fresh, they most need you to acknowledge her individual loss, not everyone else's.

Opening Up

The more you open up to people, the more stories you hear that identify with you. With 1 in 5 pregnancies ending in miscarriages, you are bound to come across another several women in your path in a day who have gone through at least 1. Over the weekend, I spoke with a former coworker who lost her son's twin when she was 4 months along. As though that were not heartbreaking enough, she went on to share about her relative who experienced 10 mc's before she finally had her son at age 30. I had read about another woman also who had I think 13, and she was still going to try yet again. What strength and determination those women must have had. And back then, I think in the 50s, the medical community knew even less about mc. She had no answers at all, and clung to hope all those years that "maybe this one, yes, maybe this one I will carry to term." Finally her 11th stuck. What a blessing. God's perfect little miracle had to wait that long. I cannot imagine the anguish she and her husband went through. I don't know her religious background, but I have to believe that her faith in God provided her much strength throughout it all, as it has for me.

Another 1 in 5

I found out that a family member on J's side also has had a mc, after she had already had a child. It felt good again to talk to someone else who had been through it and somewhat understood my feelings. I feel very fortunate in another way (God has showered me with so many blessings) after talking with her, as she had a not-so-good experience with her doc, and mine was "OK." I have to admit that I cannot wait to be pg again. We kept it such a secret the first time, in case the unthinkable happened. But after it actually happened I wanted to tell everyone anyway, that hey, life is not hunky dorey all the time, look at this awful thing that has happened to me. Next time I want to tell the world so there is a chance for loved ones and friends to be happy for us. We will see...
~ P

We Want to Know Why

As people, I think we all naturally want to ask why bad things happen to us. It reminds me of the book "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People." (No, I have not read it but I have heard it's worth the read!) Natural disasters, terrorist attacks, fatal child diseases, infant deaths, still births, and, of course, miscarriages. One friend told me, a couple of weeks after the mc, that when she was pregnant with her son, she prayed to God that if anything was wrong with his health that would make him suffer for a very long time, to please take him from her as early as possible. I appreciated her sharing that prayer with me. Very honest and real, and it brought a new perspective for me.

Last night at my Stephen Ministry Supervision meeting, a dear friend in the group spoke of her friend who recently terminated a pregnancy. Their baby had severe Downs Syndrome. Another S.M. member's nephew has lost 2 baby infants in a row who had severe defects. How sad for these families. In this respect, I am thankful that our baby went to heaven when she did. We may never know or completely understand why these types of unthinkable losses occur. Nevertheless, we have to know that God IS good and is watching over us... Somehow has a plan for each of us... And grieves with us.

~ P

Healing

I met a wonderful lady nurse, Julie, for dinner tonight to discuss the mc. She has also suffered a mc and has been very active with the support group through RMH (which is not meeting due to no participation). Julie was wonderful and very open with her feelings about how she dealt with her loss and learned from it. Personally, I still have learning and I'm sure emotional healing to do. I will never forget the baby we lost. I feel amazingly better and have felt God's presence and healing the entire time. I cannot believe it's been 2 months since my D&C. I still ask "why" but remember that we don't always get an answer for that question. I have definitely learned how fragile and precious life truly is. Through my readings I learned even more that so many hundreds of things have to fall into place exactly right, that the miracle of life truly is a miracle. I knew that but hadn't full realized it. I believe that my openness to seek help and do my own research has drastically helped and sped my healing process. Jason and I also met with the leader/counselor with the support group, Nancy. She is wonderful and I feel the urge to tell everyone I know about her program. I have not found anything like it in Augusta County. If you know of anyone who has suffered a mc and has not had the voice to express her feelings, please let her know about the RMH program through the Center for Behavioral Health. I hope they can get the group going again soon.

~ P

1 in 5

Greetings all. Paige here. There is no easy way to say it. We've had a miscarriage. I'm writing this 8/29 but wanted to change the post date to the date of my D&C, so our events are chronological. The EDD of our baby was to be 2/11/07. We are healing. I am into the anger and seeking answers phase. I had next to no physical pain with the whole ordeal. We found out on an ultrasound that our baby had died around 6 weeks. We were devastated but we want to try again. There are so many questions. Of course, why? And, why did it have to be our first baby? Why couldn't we have experienced it at least once first? It is somewhat comforting that it is common (1 in 5 pregnancies), but WHY so common? Things happen for a reason... nature's way... God's way... blah blah blah. Those answers aren't really answers and don't make it feel much better. But I am finding strength in God. He IS healing. He is grieving with us. Please pray for the safety and health of our child who we hope will be with us one day. In God's time.

Dear child of God,

You were with us for only a short while, but I will never forget you. I love you.

Love, Mommy