Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts

12.21.2011

Mothering Magazine Archives

I've decided to share my digital issues (that have a share link) of Mothering magazine here. Before I had "Z," I subscribed digitally, trying to be "green," but sadly had little time to ever read them... So I gradually browse what I can. I've linked to Peggy O'Mara's beautiful essay, or the top story. Mothering is yet another defunct print publication and is now "web only."

Jan-Feb 2008
Cover
The Business of Being Born


Mar/Apr 2008
10 11
A Birth Renaissance


May/Jun 2008
10 11
Where's Joseph?


Jul/Aug 2008
42 43
The Truth About Circumcision and HIV


Sep-Oct 2008
66 67
Reel Milk


Nov-Dec 2008
10 11
Keeping it Simple


Mar-Apr 2009
64 65
peggy's kitchen


May-Jun 2009
8 9
breast IS best


Sep-Oct 2009
42 43
Birth Stories You'll Love


Nov-Dec 2009
10 11
Killer Fear


Mar-Apr 2010
38 39
a child's world: your indoor playground


Jul-Aug 2010
58 59
homemade soft drinks


Sep-Oct 2010
42 43
Do-it-Yourself Birth


Jan-Feb 2011
8 9
why we need more midwives. now.


Mar-Apr 2011
44 45
A Green Clean

7.06.2008

Zyler is a Half-Year Old Today

I will take a posting lead from a friend and post my life's briefest highlights.
  • I turned 30 on June 16. There were presents. There was red velvet yummy cake. (Thanks, M-I-L!)
  • I had my womanly physical last week with the midwife, Ann, who delivered Zyler. She is awesome... All is well. She gave me some other birth control options to consider. I am not considering anything hormonal.
  • I finally feel like a "Mom."
  • I love motherhood.
  • I hate working 40 hours and seeing so little of Zy during the week. Would love to work less, but keep working.
  • Zyler is doing great. Not an illness to speak of. Still 100% Mommy Milk.
  • I still pump while away from Zyler. Pumping still sucks. :) But I can't stop.
  • Zyler is awake once or sometimes none at nights. It's wonderful. I'm still tired, but feel human again!
  • I cannot believe it's been 6 months. I can remember those days of labor and the birth vividly. My just-about-natural birth = totally empowering.

1.07.2008

Zyler's Birth Story

Many thanks to my doula, Kelly Kravitz, who provided me a birth log summary of events so I could write an accurate and detailed birth story!

Wednesday, January 2

Have 39 week checkup (due date January 8)... 1 cm dilated and 70% effaced. The nurse-midwife, Melody, thinks my mucous plug is gone already.

Thursday, January 3

2100
Mucous plug definitely starts coming out and bloody show begins. I start having irregular lower back cramping. Nothing too uncomfortable. Able to sleep most of the night.

Friday, January 4

0400
Wake up early and still see mucous plug in big globs. Worry that water has broken. Since I'm GBS+ (Group Beta Strep) I don't want to alert the midwives too "early" as I want to avoid the IV antibiotics in excess (I am OK with 1 bag but am not thrilled about getting it every 4 hours during labor).

0700
Call my doula and let her know the lower back cramping returned and that I am still wondering if my water has broken. It is hard to tell with the mucous. I decide to go on into work and continue normal activity. Once I sit at the desk at work the surges (HypnoBirthing "speak" for "contractions") stop for most of the day. I am pretty sure I was in prodomal (very early) labor.

Saturday, January 5

0300
Email my doula to let her know I can not sleep any longer! Surges return about 2-3 minutes apart but are not intense enough to warrant going in. I called Ann Schaeffer, the midwife on call to let her know. She confirmed that first labors can really drag on in the early stages.

0830
Talk with doula. Having consistent (2-10 minutes apart) surges in lower back with lots of bowel area pressure. They last 30-45 seconds.

1030
Get in the tub to relax. Talk with a close friend and then my doula. The warm water really helps relax my back and tolerate the surges easier. They get a bit more intense as sometimes I can not speak through them if I was standing. My in-laws are at the house because my father-in-law is helping Jason in his shop. Jason & I had agreed not to alert family when I go into labor and want to wait until the last moment or until after the baby is born to make any calls. So it is challenging to say the least to hide the fact that I am in early labor! I even help make salads for lunch as my mother-in-law brought lasagna for us to share. My father-in-law said after Zyler was born that he could tell I wasn't feeling too great that day. :)

1700
My in-laws leave and my doula arrives to assist me through labor! My surges are every 10-13 minutes, lasting 30-50 seconds. I have continued increase in bowel pressure and lower back aches with each surge. My doula tries the counter pressure near my tail bone and it helps ease the discomfort me a great deal. I have tried to drink plenty of water today, and this evening I have some Red Raspberry Leaf tea. At this point I am still able to talk through each surge.

I call the midwife at some point today and she suggests blue or black cohash if I think my labor need an extra "boost." I tell her also about the bowel pressure and confirm with her that milk of magnesia is OK to take. I try it but nothing productive or relief comes. I also call a good friend and discussed the blue or black cohash and my labor symptoms. She thinks the same as my midwife, that I am still in very early (prodomal?) labor. My doula calls Martin's grocery since it's Satuday night to see if they might carry the cohash herb, but the worker can't locate it. We decide to stay home and see how labor progresses on its own.

My doula really wants me to try to rest, so we go upstairs to my bed. I lay on my left side and she uses the counter pressure and hot rice packs. These coping methods really help, and I don't know how I would have gotten through labor without her!! I also play my HypnoBirthing scripts on the CD to help me focus and remain in a good, centered state of mind.

1930
Surges now coming more consistently and definitely stronger. Lasting more than 1 minute.

2015
Surges 1.5 minutes long and 5 minutes apart!

2100
Surges are 1.5-2 minutes long and 5-7 minutes apart.

2130
Jason is checking on me every 20-30 minutes. I start shaking a little with each surge.

2200
Surges are definitely stronger; 1.5 minutes long, 5-8 minutes apart. I'm finally starting to believe that I'm in active labor! I am a little concerned though that labor was slowing some? My doula suggests switching sides so I go to lie on my right side. My shaking and teeth chattering also intensify. This is hard work!

2230
Surges 2-3 minutes apart! Jason goes to rest in the guest room. Just a little bit later, I confirm that my water breaks! Surges are really intense now. Poor Jason only got to rest 15 minutes before we got him up to leave for Rockingham Memorial Hosp. around 2250.

2330
We get the car packed and finally arrive at RMH. I call my midwife on the way to tell her that contractions are more intense. She doesn't talk to me long and calls me between surges, so I think she still thinks I was still in "false" labor. Is she in for a surprise! I tell Jason I would be pretty upset if we get there and I am only dilated to 2 cm!

Ann (midwife) is ready to put me in a triage room but realizes we needed a bigger labor room for me when she sees me breathing through a surge as I get out of the wheelchair! They get a 20 minute EFM. Zyler's heartrate is normal, about 137 bpm. Surges are good and strong. Ann checks me and says I have done great work--I am in transition at 8.5 cm!! Maybe we'll have this baby before daybreak!?!

Sunday, January 6, 2008

0015
I get right into the jacuzzi after Ann offers it. The jets really comfort me through surges and Jason turns on the HypnoBirthing scripts.

0110
Jason lies down to try to get some rest again. The nurse gets another EFM reading. Zyler is doing great. Kelly continues to use counter pressure on my lower back which helps me cope.

0300
I get a new RN, Cindy, who had both of her children naturally. She is very supportive throughout the remainder of my labor.

0500
Still no baby!! Cindy wants to check my cervix for progress. Jason rouses and comes to me. Cindy can feel that the left side of it is swollen and in the way. She actually uses the phrase "possible c-section." I am so exhausted by this point that I just want to cry! I can't believe she would even mention that phrase. Luckily it is never mentioned again!

0530
My labor support team continues to suggest I change positions, so I try the birthing stool for a while. Jason supports me from behind, sitting on the bed. The surges feel a little less intense. I sense that nothing very productive can come of them at this intensity level.

0600
Ann returns. She had gone for a nap around 0100. She expresses her disappointment for having slept so long, because she was confident she would have been woken up much earlier when I was ready to birth my baby! She checks my cervix and feels it is still off to the side. She suggests I get in the hands and knees position since Zyler is not quite turned all the way anterior yet. If this doesn't work I should consider Pitocin to help the surges become more effective. (I was definitely committed to a fully natural delivery so this is not what I wanted to hear!)

0700
I finally am exhausted with the hands and knees position. The baby did turn another 10%, but is still partly posterior. I decide to start the Pit with Fentanyl (narcotic) to help me relax and rest some. (I emphatically decline the offer of an epidural as I do not want my mobility compromised and want a natural labor/delivery as much as possible. Turns out I stayed in the bed the rest of the time anyway.) I start crying a little out of frustration and exhaustion. Jason & I am very committed to my having a totally natural birth, and I am so disappointed that surges have slowed down and that the Pit would be necessary. I understand it to be a very good reason for this intervention though. My uterus and I am so tired!! I ask Jason if he is angry, and he says if I need these interventions then I should take them!

0730
The Pit starts at the lowest dose, 2 ml. Every 20 minutes it raises 2 ml. I receive the Fentanyl which should metabolize in about 1 hour. I am finally able to rest!! Only a few of the surges woke me...

0800
Pit is up to 6 ml. Surges are definitely stronger and faster. I'm feeling a little rejuvenated!

0845
I start pushing more, and Zyler is moving down! Ann checks me, and he's at a +2 station and I'm fully dialted! Woohoo!!! I start bearing down a lot more and soon the room floods with hospital staff to prepare for the birth. By this point also I have totally lost all modesty and the hospital gown is gone! My doula is great at telling me to "breathe my baby down" and this allows me to use very low pitches in my voice when bearing down and really push in the right place. (Even though HypnoBirthing tried to teach me not to "push.")

Ann and all the support staff in the room are wonderful at encouraging me through the pushing and not prompting me when to push. They allow my instincts to tell me when to push. I get to the point of exhaustion where I don't believe I can do it! I even doze once in between surges! They also bring the mirror out to encourage me, too, when Zyler's head becomes visible! That is pretty amazing for me to see. I seriously do not understand why it is taking soooo long though to get him out!!

1005
Throughout the night I had continued sipping water, and Kelly & Cindy continued reminding me to urinate, but I couldn't go! Ann finally looks up and sees an extra bulge on my belly--my bladder was extremely full! I get up and try going 1 more time, but to no avail. So I get back in bed and Ann uses a straight catheter and got 1 LITER of urine!! I think she realized my bladder was prohibiting him to move down any further.

Then just 15 minutes later....

1021
Zyler is born! Finally, at 39 weeks 5 days gestation. I finally feel his head come and was preparing for the next surge to push the rest of his body when I finally realize Ann telling me to take my baby! She had pulled the rest of him out for me. Fine by me! :) I grab him and pull him to my chest and my head collapses against the pillows in exhaustion. Zyler has a 6 cm "conehead," and Ann tells me his hand came out beside his face! If it hadn't been for that I would have had plenty of room for him. However, I ended up with a 2nd degree tear on my perineum that requires stitches. Not too bad...

At Ann's suggestion, I push gently 1 more time to expel the placenta which is just near the vaginal opening. I am fascinated by it as she inspects it, showing me the sac and what had fed my baby for the past 9 months.

An RN brings me some Sprite, graham crackers, and Ibuprofen. The Sprite tastes just heavenly! Zyler has Apgar scores of 8 and 9 out of 10) and is in perfect health. With my exhaustion and the newness of motherhood, it takes me several days to get used to the idea that I'm a mom!

Monday, January 7, 2008

We are discharged and go home!

3.17.2007

CD 18 - Other Motherhood Questions

(see entry 2.19.07) What are the best and worst things about entering motherhood now? What are the easiest and hardest things? How might this impact your relationship with yourself? With your partner? With your career? When you think about entering into a relationship with another, new being, how does it make you feel? What excites you about it? What scares you?
  • The best things about entering motherhood now are that I am still considered "young" and I strongly feel God telling me that it's "our" time to be trying. The worst things are just the everyday answers: not enough money (is there ever enough?), busy with other activities, etc.
  • The hardest thing I see is going to be deciding what to do about my job. I've only been there 1 year and I look forward to all the opportunities available. I fear it will be a very difficult decision to decide to stay at home, work part time, or be a full time working mom. My mom stayed home until I was about 6 years old and I really value the time we had together during those early years. I don't know yet if working part time in my current department is a possibility and I'm afraid/nervous to ask the question.
  • When I've mentioned the possibility of quitting my job, my husband has not been too "keen" on the idea. He went to a babysitter as a kid as his mother was a Kindergarten teacher. In his mind, he "turned out fine." I've told myself to remain open minded as the decision will indeed be very difficult to make and for us as a partnership.
  • When I think about entering into a new relationship with a new being, I feel like I just cannot wait to meet her/him. I'm scared because I don't know how to care for a screaming baby at 3 a.m. (but I hope J will help), ;) but I'm excited to be responding to the human instinct of keeping our gene pool going. How thrilling it must be to hold the little being in your arms that is completely and wholly yours, made from your flesh.

3.05.2007

CD 6 - Another Response from 2/19 Post

If I don't try to get pregnant now, then what? What are your concerns and fears? If you were not to enter the path of motherhood now at this time, what would that be like?
  • If I didn't try to get pregnant now...? Well technically we're taking "off" this cycle. It feels a little bit freeing so far. I feel myself relaxing a little more. I think the break will be good. You hear of so many couple getting pregnant right after they stop trying so hard... (although plenty get pregnant trying awfully hard too).
  • My concern is that we will "waste" another good, potentially very fertile month. My fear as time goes on is that I don't truly know with 100% certainty that I will be able to be a mother of my own biological children.
  • If I don't enter the "path of motherhood" right away, well... It certainly has been disappointing to have not entered it when I wanted to. But I have learned a lot about the fertility process and about myself in this "wait" period. The journey surely involves plenty of waiting!
  • Also I know I'm "young," but I'm starting to feel the clock tick... I would love to have more than one child. I don't want to prolong number 1 any longer so that we don't have to face more risks and potential issues in the future if I am a lot older.

3.02.2007

CD 3 - I'm Not Sure Whether I Want to Become a Mother Because...

  • From what friends and family say, my entire life and purpose for it will change. Life will no longer be about me. It will be about my child. That will mean giving up a lot of personal "me" time. Life will revolve around my child for the next 18+ years. I like my space and time to do what I want, when I want.
  • The responsibility scares me yet intrigues and excites me at the same time. I hear stories of parents taking home their first baby thinking, "What, they're really going to let me leave with this baby? Are they sure this is safe? That we can really take care of it?" I bet I would be thinking the same thing! I suppose I could practice by carrying around a crystal egg, like the one in the movie Risky Business with Tom Cruise for about 3-6 months. I remember how much trouble he got in with his mother when she found the crack in the egg after she and his father returned home from their vacation. I fear I would easily "crack" or break a baby!
  • My marriage would turn upside down in many ways. Less sex, more stress, different topics that would require our communication between each other. We would be changing many of our typical routines.
  • I would have to spend less time with my dogs. Indy & Razor would adjust, but they would most certainly be jealous of the baby on some levels. Indy would suffer more. He is more "needy" than Razor. Razor in his Labrador Retriever way is more capable of "going with the flow." Indy, however, has more needs. At his Border Collie core, he needs a job and needs to feel needed.

That's all I can think of at the moment. They don't sound like very significant reasons to me so far to halt this journey!

2.20.2007

7 DPO (7d past ovulation) - I Want to Become A Mother Because

Thinking positive++++++++++ thoughts! ;-)

(See entry 2.19.07) I want to become a mother because...
  • I feel deep down that I still have tons and tons of hugs and love to give to a child of my own.
  • I would be so grateful to allow the presence of my own flesh share my body with me to grow healthy and strong.
  • Did I mention I have a lot of love to give?
  • I have prayed and asked God to bless us with a baby of our own to hold. I do feel He wants this for us too, at the right time.
  • Our house is too big for two!
  • Children are such joys!
  • Raising me and my brother have been my mother's proudest accomplishments. I want to follow in those steps.

2.19.2007

6 DPO (6 days past ovulation)

Given that my menses stays away long enough, I plan to start testing at 14 or 15 DPO. I believe that's next Wednesday already! I pray this week(+) will go quickly!

I loved this passage from a fellow TTC group member to another member (edited for quick typing grammar mistakes):
One thing I know for sure is that we create a lot that is going on in our lives. God just allows us to create, and whenever we ask for help, it is truly provided. We have a responsibility to our own lives and if we want to have babies, we can have babies! A lot of times, our bodies are talking to us and we aren't listening. Here are some statements for you to write in your journal I got when I was reading this article on actually being ready to walk the path of motherhood and checking in with your soul on motherhood:
  • I want to become a mother because...
  • I'm not sure whether I want to become a mother because...
  • If I don't try to get pregnant now, then what? What are your concerns and fears? If you were not to enter the path of motherhood now at this time, what would that be like?
  • What are the best and worst things about entering motherhood now? What are the easiest and hardest things? How might this impact your relationship with yourself? With your partner? With your career? When you think about entering into a relationship with another, new being, how does it make you feel? What excites you about it? What scares you?
I love these questions because I was able to be in the moment of being a mother. Just in that moment, I was able to see my life changed and my everyday chores being different. So wonderful to feel this experience and know that all things are possible.

I say all of this to say, please let go of the envy, resentment, doubt, and all that "stuff" and be happy for those around you that have what you want because they are a mirror for you to see that you too have these things. (OK, it's easy for me to say this... trust me... I'm dealing with it too!)
I plan to address these questions in this blog in the days to come...